Durmam Daxxel - PUBLICATIONS BY Garba Diallo
INTER-CULTURAL DISCOVERY
Marrying across culture means to break new boundaries and discover
new world. As such it unlocks, exciting and enriching possibilities
to grow. To grow here is not just to discover another person and her
culture, but also to grow wiser, learn more about oneself and one's
own culture by interacting with a partner from another culture. Through
this kind of romantic relationship, the human race will gradually develop
healthier, more tolerant and nicer-looking, Thus, as there is no free
lunch in life, there are also many challenges involved in venturing
intimately into other culture. Any way, is there good life without challenges?
In the process of dealing with these challenges, life becomes even more
interesting to live. Try it, I am writing from experience.
A SURVIVAL KIT
Therefore, inter-cultural marriage may turn out to be the most attractive
and cost effective cure to many of the modernisation crises of the human
race. Racism, environmental degradation and the ethical dilemma as well
as the looming threat of genetic engineering can all be properly dealt
with by a simple act of inter-cultural coupling.
Multicultural children are not only less likely to be racist, but they
are usually very cute with a nicer looking- coffee au lait- colour.
It can therefore be the cheapest solution for the blacks who find it
necessary to bleach off their skin to brighten up their surface or hide
their natural hair with plastic stuff. The same goes for the white folks
who sneak themselves into the solarium coffin toasters or buy curls.
The skin, hair diseases and moral shame involved in such ethnic escapism
are great.
Therefore, the more multi-cultural production, the less depletion of
scarce natural resources. Such positive human reproduction will reduce
the presumed need to over consume the sun, right on the beach. It will
also minimise all the spending on chemical creams for bleaching or cooling
confused egos. There won't be any more needs to transport of millions
of tourists annually towards the south where they cause a lot of destruction
of the environment.
The growing demand for genetic engineering is the result of a presumed
possibility of having nicer looking, smarter and healthier kids. The
visitors of those treatment centres are likely to come from the extreme
edges of the uncoloured or the very coloured hoping to produce better
kids than themselves. Persons of mixed marriage often have all the positive
traits, that they and their off springs will not feel the need to engage
in changing their nature. They already look beautiful. The more people
join our club the better and safer future for the human race on earth.
RACISTS DON'T LIKE IT
Because of all these qualities, inter-cultural marriage is the most
challenging and interesting social contract between a man and a woman.
It does not just involve two persons and their close relatives and friends,
but it also links up at least two different cultures and all their covert
and overt value systems. This is why racist and ethno- centrist persons,
groups and regimes do see inter-cultural marriage as a threat to their
narrow minded ideological views. It was illegal under Apartheid to cross-marry
among the different cultures of South Africa.
OUT OF THE SUBWAY
Because of the blindness of love, I did not think about any of the above
issues when I met Runa on her way out of a subway into my life. This
was in Oslo, in the evening of Friday 19th December 1987. She was with
a girl friend, Norwegian like herself and they were both lost, looking
for a cultural centre where a Tanzanian national evening was taking
place. The stranger from Mauritania had to guide the sweet hearts toward
where the African drums were calling us. Believe me, to begin with we
did not even sit together or talk to each other, nor did I ask Runa
for a dance as a compensation for guiding both herself and her friend
to this special evening. Perhaps it was enough to discover that she
knew that Mauritania was not an African animal, but a country in West
Africa ,where the few people who had been to school could speak French.
WINING THE WINNER
As a rule with African gatherings, there was good and loud music throughout
the night with delicious and plenty of food plus an inviting atmosphere.
It was impossible not to be moved by the magic of the music. People
were dancing and mixing hot sweats in black and white. As the evening
got more exciting and the organisers started their quiz games, Runa
went on winning all the competitions and the prizes. She must have had
some sharp white magic with her that night. These prizes ranged from
cultural objects, cakes, wines and myself. In this way, I got to share
the cakes and the whole process developed quickly into mutual winning.
BACK TO NATURE
As time went by, we grew closer, bought a flat, moved in together and
went for long walks in the Norwegian bush. Norwegians love their nature
and they use any excuse to return back to it. Thus, marrying a Norwegian
involves going for walks and spending some time in one of the bush houses,
dotted all over behind the imposing mountains and over looking the deep
valleys. Before a Norway accepts you seriously and presents you to her
parents, she has to make sure that you know how to walk both up and
down hills with an extra longer march on Sunday noon. I don't recall
why skiing was not an issue, maybe being a national sports, it is too
serious for private undertaking.
The first year of living together, both Runa and I combined studying
an extra income generating jobs. There was enough money to meet our
basic needs and plenty of love. What were/are the challenges then?
THE CHALLENGES
Before we moved in together, who should do what was not an issue. During
the first half a year, we were frequent guests at each other's places.
As usual when blacks and whites meet, the former would be the first
to make food. I did and eventually learned how to make food with over
cooked chicken or non pork meat. I remember the first thing Runa made
was pancake.
TIME IS LIFE, NOT MONEY
Soon after we began sharing the house, the practical side of who should
take care of what and when came forth. This is still a difficult matter,
because in my private life, I have problems to follow the European time
is money attitude. Ten years later, the discussion goes on and no clear
rules have been established in dividing our home labour yet. Being more
focused than I, Runa is still pursuing her higher education towards
Ph.D. I gradually became too busy in various other activities to continue
studying.
RELATIVES AND FRIENDS
The other important issue is the attitudes of parents and friends and
how to communicate with them. To begin with we met each other's friends
and there was no big problems as both of us could speak several languages.
With Runa's friends I spoke English and in pairs it went fine but in
a big group at a parties, I realised that people feel better communicating
in their own mother tongues. So, the key is to learn the local language.
As my parents were faraway, there was no problem from that side, Runa's
father was very welcoming and supportive while her mother was somehow
sceptic. With the arrival of our daughter Oda-Kange in 1991 the earlier
suspicion disappeared. The birth of Dag-Yero in 1996 added positively
to our mutual understanding and acceptance. When he was about to be
born last year, Runa's parents behaved like African's. They came before
he was born and stayed over several days afterwards to help. As with
mine, Runa met my mother and some of my relatives in 1992. And in 1995
we stayed in Senegal for 5 months with my extended family joining us
in the same house. Some times, there were 20 people in the house. The
daily communication language was Fulani, because most of my relatives
could not speak other languages. Runa had to cope with this and she
did it very well and
learned a lot.
GUESTS
Regarding guests, Europeans are more structured. Visits are more planned
and it can be a problem when I always say yes to any friend who wishes
to drop by at any time. Compared to me, Runa prefers making the place
ready for welcoming guest. In the African context, it is much easier
to be a guest than a host as the guest is king who is always right.
It happens often, that we invite African friends, prepare food and everything
and then the people don't turn up. No apology afterwards. In Scandinavia,
you are not to visit or phone people after 9 pm, which does not work
with Africans. I remember, once we invited two African family friends.
When they arrived there were several other people coming along, so no
problem as we prepared a lot of food and drinks. But it turned out that
they were all fasting Ramadan.
It is often claimed that Africans are more hospitable than Europeans,
but I feel that the way people receive guest has more to do with the
local climate and socio-economic structure of society than any other
factors. That is why people here are more open in the summer and on
the country side than in the winter and in the crowded cities.
COMMUNICATION
As communication is not just the linguistic side of transmitting and
receiving information, the risks of cultural misunderstanding in inter-cultural
marriage is always present. In order to reduce the risks in a fairer
manner, Runa and I still use a third language, English. The longer you
stay together, the clearer one realises in cross-cultural communication
that it is not easy to take it for granted your partner understands
what you wants to communicate to her. This means that you have to think
and reflect more on what to say and how to express yourself. In a mono-cultural
marriage, the couple is some how pre-programmed to understanding each
other.
BRINGING UP CHILDREN
The way parents bring up their children often reflects the way they
themselves were brought up. At school and on the street people don't
learn much about how to bring up kids. Therefore, it is easy to dig
up some ideas from one's own cultural baggage to apply on one's kids.
Thus, in inter-cultural marriage, bringing up kids can be a point of
friction. Theoretically we agree to bring up our kids according to their
cultural reality, eventhough in practise it is not easy. Any way, we
do our best that Runa speaks Norwegian to the kids while I speak only
Fulani with them. Therefore, Oda-Kange is trilingual, mother and father
tongues plus the local Danish. We hope that Dag-Yero will make it as
well.
THANK FOR THIS AND THAT
Before I came to Scandinavia, I was not socialised to thank for services
rendered to me by my friends or family. But, now I have been tamed to
say thank for this and for that. One of the jokes floating around about
this is that an African who had come to Norway was told that it was
a must to thank people for what they did for him. After a visit to a
local family, the African guest began to thank the host for the food,
the drinks, the toilet ...
SURVIVAL
Survival, does inter-cultural marriage have better chances to survive
the challenges of sharing life, than mono-cultural marriage? According
to the many prejudice and stereotypes, inter-cultural marriages have
little chance to survive. In judging inter-cultural marriage, there
are plenty of "experts" who tend to say, "I know it won't
work". In Denmark, the chances of survival for mono and inter-cultural
marriages are more or less the same. If the main cause for divorce was
cultural differences, then the rate of broken relations in Copenhagen
would not have been so high. At any rate, the challenges and differences
make inter-cultural marriage more exciting and less boring with more
chances to learn and discover. As such, one tends to accept many more
things from a partner from another culture than what one would with
a wife from the same culture. One learns how to become more tolerant
and nuanced.
Website designed by :- Nijii
Last updated on April 9, 2003
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